The 5 Levels of Hangover

Level one: the wicked wine-er

We call this the winer because we most commonly seem to get this hangover out of nowhere after only a few glasses of the old sweet berry wine. Not that it’s limited to wine though. It’s that hangover where you might get the blood pressure spike in the night and wake up sweating, or just have a restless sleep overall. The winer’s defining characteristic though, is that goddamn morning headache. You’re slow to get going. Cognitive function not severely impaired, but certainly not firing on all cylinders. The wicked winer hangover is easily powered through, however, and the headache and other symptoms are generally gone after a few hours. Just in time for an afternoon drink.

Level two: the slug

The slug is more or less a full-day wicked winer, as opposed to the half day standard procedure discussed above. However, what you’ll also notice more when experiencing the slug is your overwhelming lack of motivation. Maybe you have some light nausea too, but never quite enough to throw up. You’re feeling tired, lethargic, headachy, and yep - like a big ol’ slug. This is a highly dangerous hangover for ordering large quantities of uber eats and binge watching film and television all day. It’s also a highly dangerous hangover for tempting one to just get back on the horse and keep drinking. Mmm, sounds like it’s Bloody Mary or Mimosa time.

Level three: the classic

Ahh, the classic hangover. Our old friend. The classic is defined by big time morning nausea that fades out after a few hours, or that disappears after a tactical yarp or two. Wake up and throw up, baby! However, that headache is going to stay with you for most if not all of the day. Unless you’re blessed with the willpower and discipline to execute our hangover cure, it’s going to be a rough day for you. Movement will be difficult, focus will be difficult, eating may be difficult for the first few hours, and your head and body will hurt. You will survive.

Level four: half day of hell

This is simply a classic hangover on steroids. The defining difference is that you don’t feel better after your first puke or two, and that the vomiting period extends out for at least a half day. All prior hangover symptoms are with you, but at least you’re not on a level five full purge…

Level five: the purge

The final level. The purge is defined by a full system evacuation that continues for 12 hours or more. At this final level, you are now living in the hurt locker all day whether you like it or not. Any intake of food or water will immediately be regurgitated. You’re constantly throwing up your stomach lining and getting that niiice maximum effort dry retch where only some green or yellow bile comes out after all your hard work. Movement is completely out of the question. The raging head and body pain is all-consuming. The stomach is finished. The purge hangover generally lasts all day and into the evening, where, at around 8-9pm, you finally realise you can stomach a bit of food and risk a bite. A word from the wise: before then, try to sip on water BUT: do no more than sip. Slow and steady does it. Lots of sit down hot showers. 

Conclusion

In case you were wondering... From experience, there is not a single one of these hangovers that you cannot overcome and keep drinking after. If we’ve done it multiple times after a full day purge, you can too. Discipline and determination are omnipotent. Let's be honest. You're probably super horny because you're hungover. So go try to get some. Play on. Party hearty. Be smart. Ish.

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