Crazy Horny When Hungover: An Ode to the Hangover Horn

Here at The BoozeGames we pride ourselves on being the community hub and voice of party people. We take this job seriously. So seriously, in fact, that I recently drank a beer with my nose just to prove that The BoozeGames is, in fact, 100% nosebeer approved… But that’s not why we are gathered here is it. We’re gathered here because part of our job is to talk about the taboo topics that affect many of us before, during, or after sending a bender to the pits of hell and back.

Topics like the one that brings us here today.

The Hangover Horn.

Picture it: you wake up, head pounding, nausea ripping, regrets forming. You’re disoriented. Shaky. Strung out. Sick. Your ID is probably missing and your bank account looks like my head when someone asks me to multiply anything over five: empty … All this, but all you can think of is how goddamn horny you are. Goddayum. It’s overwhelming. Even your puke bowl is starting to give you sexy eyes. You can't think of anything else.

You are not alone. You're experiencing the Hangover Horn.

Multiple extremely unscientific studies taken on our social media suggest that experiencing crippling levels of arousal whilst dying after a big night is a phenomenon consistently experienced by over 75% of the population. Anecdotally, we find around the same numbers when we survey our friends. Try it yourselves among your friends who drink regularly, see for yourselves.

If you’re looking for reasons, let’s start with some potential sciency ones. The first one is called Alcohol Myopia. Basically, this is about how alcohol increases your baseline tendencies and makes you focus on one thing at a time. This seems like a somewhat reasonable explanation to us, seen as waking up slightly buzzed is par for the course. The second reason is alcohols effect on blood flow to the ol’ genital reason, which can result in some wayward (naughty, naughty) behaviour and less control over that region. However, from our research, all the science seems to focus on the way up when the alcohol is first hitting you, not on the way down when it’s leaving your body one trip to the bathroom at a time. They’re also not getting half as bombed as you probably are. Articles out there claim they have the science to hook you in, but no one, as far as we can tell, has an actual answer for this yet.

Which leaves us to theorise a little.

Our personal theory is that it is a combination of factors. Firstly, you were probably fucking out and about goddamnit. People dress up to look good when they go out. People were probably looking good around you. You might have talked to some. You might have found or already had a partner and were looking good and flirting with each other, but then you did the classic and blacked out too hard to have sex. Maybe you had been hyped up all week to get laid and had a chance last night but it didn’t happen, or maybe you did last night (nice, hi five) and want to again. Maybe you got home alone and realised you were super horny. Look. One way or another, if you got drunk and went out, at some point you were probably thinking about sex. So now, the day after, your body is still programmed to be a bit wired up, and you need to get it out of your system. You need to blow out a few nuts and re-establish baseline. For the sake of mental clarity.

Another factor is the slight buzz you may or may not have kicking around from the night before. This one really depends how hard you went and how late you got home, but it’s entirely possible. We prefer to leave no doubt about it and wake up absolutely hammered at about 2pm the next day, to delay the pain. If you are waking up buzzed, this could be playing into that Alcohol Myopia we talked about above.

The last, and probably most important factor would probably be how alcohol plays on your brain itself – what neural pathways and brain chemistry is it affecting on the way out? We know for some of us it plays on our rewards system, inhibitions, and so on. But this has primarily been studied while drinking, from what we can tell. No one has answered: why the horniness hungover!?!? Realistically though, who the hell is going to put time into studying this properly? We’d probably all much rather our science funding went to studying cures and progress.

Regardless, overall, the completely unqualified opinion of The BoozeGames is that it has something to do with how alcohol affects each of our brains (this is why some get it and some don’t) combined with all the hormones pumping around your body from your night’s mayhem.

Anyway, who cares about the reason. We’re just here to shed light. The Hangover Horn is a consistent phenomenon and an overwhelming one. Few things are as disconcerting as going back and forth between throwing up your stomach bile while fantasising about some adult scenes in your head and dealing with 50% of the blood in your body rushing towards your groin. Hey maybe it's a bodily reflex to get some blood out of your pounding head, maybe it’s the painkilling effect after all. Post nut relaxation for the win.

Look. We wish we could help you more. Just know that you’re not alone when experiencing this debilitating condition. In time, we’ve actually learned to love the Hangover Horn. You will too.

So go forth. Go sit in that hot shower. Go contemplate throwing up. Go rub a few out. Definitely don’t think about us every time you’re horny and hungover moving forward.

Love, The BoozeDaddy