1. The massive entertainment value
There would be people vomiting on live television. There would be countries where alcohol is banned and the athletes competing had to train in secret to avoid prison. There would be way more outbursts and drama as the alcohol absolutely annihilated competitors emotional self-control. You just know there would be fights. My gosh. Sign me up to watch immediately.
2. Superior international bragging rights
Imagine being able to travel and know, truly, deep in your soul, that your country sinks piss at a superior rate to the scrubs you are dealing with in [insert country] and finally having the hard evidence to back it up. The ego-boost at the local pub or at any drinks with your international mates would be legendary. “Yeah sure you Americans won the beer pong but we fuckin’ smashed you in the drink-for-drink, the boat race, and the beer mile. Take a lap.” ... Sure, a lot of people like sports, but there’s so many sports and we can't participate in them all. Havin’ a nice beverage and knowing in your DNA while you do it that your country is better at this than every other one? Now that's something that we could all relate to.
3. The sponsorship opportunities
An obvious one. The competition and price to be chosen to provide the beer and liquor would be unheard of. The marketing possibilities endless. If you’re reading this and you’re on the Olympic committee: guys, you have to know that there would definitely be enough bribes available for you to get something out of this too. Probably more than your usual extra compensation. We know how you operate. Cmon, everybody wins.
4. The interviews
You’re 18 standard drinks deep and someone hands you a hot mic and you're pissed at the refs or the other team. YOU TELLIN ME YOU WOULDN’T RAIN THUNDER AND LIGHTNING? Enough of these scripted generic responses from famous athletes. Give me the slurring drunks elated they just won or furious they just lost. Think about all the iconic moments of hammered athletes at championship parades. Imagine those interviews every single time.
5. The trash talk
This comes under entertainment but clearly deserves a category of its own. Obviously, for the drinking game Olympics, all athletes are mic’d up. It’s mandatory. Let your imagination run wild.
6. It would make the Olympics an achievable dream for a lot more of us
Not everyone is born with an athletic frame or the undeniable genetic gifts required to get to the pinnacle of *most* elite sports (not you, golf… not you, equestrian… sit down, rifle shooting weirdos). However, the amount of people born with the capacity to sink some ice cold beers? Damn, that’s high. Not to mention it eliminates the barrier of training. Grinding 2-3 workouts a day for 10 years straight? Not sure… Punishing froffies and having fun with my mates? Ok coach I’ll put my drinking shoes (flip-flops) on, let’s get warmed up... The drinking Olympics opens the door for more of us to reach our Olympic dream.
7. We make the regular athletes participate in the Drinking Olympics events after their other competitions finish.
In our ideal scenario, every team representing their country in drinking games must include at least one athlete from the normal Olympics who has finished all of their commitments. Picture it: Michael Jordan wins gold then goes immediately to the beer pong. Usain Bolt breaks the world record then heads over to the chugging contest and breaks that record too. Iconic.