There are three types of people on hangovers and comedowns: those who feel sorry for themselves and collapse, those who deal with it and suffer through, and those who are unstoppable and get shit done anyway. While it’s not yet time to reveal our exact identities, let’s just say that we’ve held down jobs for a long time that require high levels of performance and focus whilst operating on high levels of another kind of performance most weekends. What I’m saying is we have experience in dealing with post-drinking consequences and with coming off a variety of different chemical compounds, and then executing on life as normal. Not to say we don’t absolutely mail in some Sundays and order uber eats in bed all day (or sit down in the shower and consider jerking off) and feel sorry for ourselves, just to say we also know how to power through and recover effectively.
This will be a complete protocol. I understand that various aspects of this may not be feasible for you due to time constraints, next-day commitment restraints, equipment / facility restraints, or even financial restraints when it comes to supplements. So, do what you can do. The more the better. Let’s dive in.
PHASE ONE: PREPARATION
Let’s start by saying that the more prep work you do throughout the night the better off you’ll be. Start by absolutely smashing water at regular intervals to keep hydrated… Then, when you eventually get home, take some more time to do the same. Include an electrolyte mix in this if you can, and if you don’t have one, add a pinch of salt and a shot or two of OJ to make some natural Gatorade baby. Please note here that I’m not talking about drinking just one glass of water when you get home. I’m talking a litre, MINIMUM. If you’re the type to pee the bed after that? Well, what can I say… grow up Peter Pan. Do more Kegels and practice holding your piss as long as you can throughout the week, every single time. Your bladder will expand. The bladder can be trained, just like almost anything else. Party like a pro.
As you’re hydrating, eat something. While normal diets consisting of too much bread and refined carbs have extensively been proven to unhealthy at this point, from years of trial and error I, and we, can confirm that something slightly shit-carby does take the edge off the hangover. This brings us full circle to the classics of drunk food: kebabs and pizzas. Aim for the healthier gourmet shops if possible, to minimise a food-hangover compounding on your normal hangover the next day.
While you’re working your way through the foods and liquids, take a bunch of supplements if you can. Vitamin C, zinc, a b-complex (or liver complex) vitamin, glutathione, and magnesium is our proven and recommended regimen.
Okay. We also fully understand that you may well not be returning home the night of. Maybe you went to someone’s place to get laid (hi-five!), or maybe you decided to take a tactical nap in the park. Whatever. At the bare minimum, you should have access to water at some point, so hit that hard if you’re in any state to function.
Next, sleep as much as you can.
PHASE TWO: RECOVERY
We’re not here to judge how or where you woke up. We’re here to give you solutions. Let’s do it step by step.
Step 1: As soon as you wake up, fucking slam a large glass of water and electrolytes. More than you think. If you don’t have electrolytes and all that noise, make yourself some of nature’s Gatorade (referenced above).
Step 2: Relax and treat your body and mind to our all-inclusive natural combination of uppers, painkillers, and appetizers. What do I mean by this? Hear me out. You’re gonna wanna to hit a joint, or a bong rip, or a pipey, or some form of mary jane and her pet iguana, as well as a lovely coffee. If you can eat, also eat a banana or two for good measure, and try to line that stomach with some probiotics fast – think 100% natural yoghurts. TRUST. Blue cheese even works, weirdly enough (though probably not what you want to smell or taste right away).
So, more or less ideal hangover breakfast? Bananas, 100% yoghurt, granola/museli with large 100% natural OJ, coffee, and hit of weed. Add a ham & cheese toastie / toasted croissant if you’ve got that hangover junk food craving.
Step 3: More water, more electrolytes. Take some vitamins with these. Same regimen as the night before (assuming it’s been at least 6 hours in between doses): glutathione, vitamin c, zinc, magnesium, and a b-complex or liver vitamin. Yes, you’re smashing vitamins at this point and might be pissing plenty straight out and putting a little strain on the kidneys, but these are exceptional circumstances and it will help more than it hurts.
Step 4: This is what separates the adults from the children. Go and work out. It doesn’t have to be the best workout ever, it doesn’t have to be the longest workout ever, but it needs to be something, and you need to sweat. You’re hungover and possibly (hopefully) high, so we’re not trying to break records or take risks here. Your easiest no-think-no-brainwork option? Some form of circuit that hits the whole body, followed by a 20-25 minute run. No gym? No excuse. Warm up, then do 40 lunges, 20 push ups, 15 squat jumps, 10 (or max) chin-ups, 10 dips, and 10 burpees. Rest 2 mins, repeat, rest 2 mins, repeat. You can do that anywhere. Then run for 20 minutes. Or run at the start to warm up, whatever floats your boat. Just do it. 40-45 minutes of suffering.
Remember to keep drinking water.
Step 5: Sauna & ice plunge. Even if you bailed on your workout (coward), anyone can go sit and sweat in a sauna or suffer in a cold plunge if they have access to it. So do it. We want sweat, we want those heat shock proteins to release, and we want that anti-inflammatory goodness of the cold-water exposure. 15 minutes in the sauna, 5-10 minutes cold plunge. Break it up into 2 sets if you want.
Step 6: Congratulations, you’ve absolutely crushed it. Step six is go and take a little nap. 45-90 minutes, no more.
Step 7: Juice time, get ya juice on. We're talkin' oranges. We're talkin' ginger x 1000. We're talkin spinach, kale, cucumber. We're talkin' carrots, beetroots, apples. Add it all. If you're feeling brave, add a bunch of garlic. Drink a glass then sip on the rest throughout the day.
Step 8: Enjoy the rest of your day feeling way better than you would have and having sped up the recovery process as much as possible. Take some more vitamins in the evening and add in some 5-HTP now if you were off ya chops on narcotics last night.
Step 9: Postscript. This is a massive one. The second morning / day after your big one, workout well. Especially if you took some party drugs. Over the years, I’ve personally found that resistance training and HIIT training by far and away helps my biochemistry and mood here better than just cardiovascular training. By resistance training I don’t mean sit on the bench and biceps either. We’re talking legs, we’re talking complex movements, we’re talking sweat. It will help, A LOT. Your motivation will be lacking, you won’t feel like it, you’ll be on the day-two-depresh, but just fucking do it. You won’t regret it after, ever.
Take one more course of the vitamins on this day. Keep the fluids going to flush the system. Hit a round of sauna and cold plunge as well if you can.
And that’s the gospel according to The BoozeDaddy. Your total recovery protocol.
Remember: there’s nothing cool about the dropkick who just falls by the wayside partying, loses all purpose, lets themselves go, and decays over the years. If you’re gonna go hard regularly, take care of your shit. Take care of yourself, and take care of your life – diet, exercise, discipline and pursuing your goals, whatever they may be. The better condition your body is in overall, the better it will deal with the adverse effects of booze, drugs, and disrupted sleep schedule. Act accordingly.