The Art of the Come-Up Shit


"Everything has beauty in it, but not everyone sees it"
- Confucius
“Poopy-di scoop
Whoopity-scoop, whoop-poop”
– Kanye West


There will be craps.

Let’s face it. Anyone who likes to party and get boozy knows that there often comes a certain point in the evening when the gut must have its way. Sooner or later, it’s happening. Best to accept it.

The fact that you’re probably at the end of your dayAnyone who likes to party and get boozy knows that there often comes a certain point in the evening when the gut must have its way.when drinking and have probably have a load of food digesting down there certainly doesn’t help, does it? Nor does the fact that drinking irritates the gut and can be a diuretic. Let’s also not forget the proverbial elephant in the room (or your lower intestine) shall we: (*clears throat*) drugs. You’re definitely drinking alcohol, and maybe, probably, also ingesting a couple of other things aren’t you. Naughty naughty you.

We’ve nicknamed these Come-Up Shits for a reason.

It’s when all of whatever you have drank or swallowed starts to hit, and your stomach says it’s time to evacuate before liftoff. It’s one of the most iconic moments of every great evening, if not one often discussed publicly… And it can go both ways; the beast can be relatively comfortable and very exciting, but it can also be memorably rough.

Here at The BoozeGames we continue to shed light on the issues that affect all of us when in party mode. So let’s quickly break down the process of the boozeydeuce, before getting into the main four categories of Come-up Shits.

The Definition of a Come-Up Shit

You’re hanging with your friends. You’re sinking booze; probably beer. The night’s looking good… And then, at the bottom of that 4th beer, things start escalating and the gang starts making questionable decisions... Suddenly, some calls are made... Suddenly, there’s a stranger at the door offering a very particular set of goods and services that will really escalate the night. You pay the stranger, they leave, and you start enjoying their products.

Or perhaps instead you planned it all and came bearing said products from the start.

Or perhaps instead you went for a quiet beer with a mate after work on a Friday, and all of a sudden it’s goddamn go time and all bets are off.

Look. There are many scenarios, but the outcomes are all the same. Your lunch, several beers, the whiskey you just ordered, and a spicy garlic kebab are all percolating; and you decide to hit the nuclear option on both your gut and your evening by engaging operation cook-the-chook with some extracurricular supplements and really getting the night going. 

What extracurricular substances cause the Come-Up Shit? You ask. Well. Most of them.

Let’s call a spade a spade. 99% of the world’s cocaine is cut with baby laxative. It’s harmless, flavourless, and goddamn you’d prefer that to fentanyl. But it’s gonna make you shit…

Or perhaps acid is your drug… well, acid farts are a known phenomenon, and acid farts lead to acid poops…

Or did you eat some shrooms or truffles? Those are a guarantee for a sloppy one. No diahrrea from truffles and you should get your money back...

But no, you say! Only other narcotics for me!!! … Dear reader – that’s still going to jack your metabolism to cloud fucked and make everything go a bit haywire. Molly will get poopy too.

There’s no hiding.

So, that’s the comeup shit: it’s when everything’s starting to hit; when the booze is really setting in, when perhaps the drugs are starting to kick, and yes, when the excitement for the night ahead is coming on strong. 

Let’s go over some the classic scenarios; from most ideal to least ideal. 4 to 1.

4. The tactical come-up shit.

Oh. You actually planned ahead and took a pre-emptive deuce before you went to meet with your friends and before you were cooked or drinking? Well, fuck you. YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN US!? Sorry but there’s just no way that’s more fun than the pre-drinks poop. I don’t care if you’re a shy pooper, get over it. This isn’t even a come-up shit. It’s just a regular shit. BOOOOO.

Moving on…

3. The pre-drinks come-up shit

Our absolute FAVOURITE. You’re with your buddies and you’re buzzed AF but not drunk drunk… the night is young, and you’re all excited. So excited, in fact, that you all dip your toes in the water and imbibe some extracurricular substances. 

Soon after, as they tend to do, those substances start to hit. You feel a tingle, a fluttering… Lo and behold, the ride starts commencing.

But wait. Something’s riding in the guts as well. Call it the beers, call it the excitement, call it that quick dinner or any of the aforementioned substances, call it the combo, but it’s coming. So, you go to the bathroom, sit down, and strap in. BOOM. All of a sudden now all the things are hitting at once. If it’s psychadelics you’re trippin, if it’s the molly you’re rollin, if it’s the coke you’re cookin’. That booze has gone right to your head.

Oh hell yeah.

It’s the rush. It’s the come-up. The shit is the sign of the comeup, the sign of things starting. You’re excited. You’re off to the races. You’re fuckin’ fired up to get back out there to join your friends because you can hear the jokes and the laughs and the good times and the music playing… So you hold on to the toilet walls for dear life, ride that brown rollercoaster, and get itchin’ to get back and join the party and kick things into the next gear.

A safe space.

A beautiful poop. Full of excitement.

My personal favourite.

2. The unexpected come-up shit.

This is the one that catches you by surprise, just like the night ahead. It’s when you’ve gone out for a quiet one or three, and all of a sudden, things turn up. You’re probably in work clothes.

There’s no going home for this one, but fortunately it’s about 8-9pm and no one has really hit the toilets yet, so you duck into the bar’s bathroom and take care of business.

Cue: the process from option three. 

You hear the excitement, you feel the excitement. You know maybe you haven’t made the best decision, but that’s tomorrow’s problem. Tonight’s for escalation. The toilets are a little funky because it’s some random bar and now you’re giving good gas. You’re a little paranoid about someone walking in or hearing the disaster because it’s mixed gender bathrooms perhaps and your anus is quite vocal. Not the most private or clean bathroom, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers and you’re fired up and know it was the correct decision because things are only going to get worse.... But hey, overall, very bearable. Maybe you take a little key blast while you’re there; two birds with one stone.

Soon you're done, ready to get out there. You finish up, hit flush, and blast that key while it’s noisy.

Our second favourite come-up shit.   

1. The apocalypse shit.

In war, there will be casualties.

This is the shit when you’ve left it too late. All of a sudden, you’re absolutely sideways in some nightclub and you can’t hold on any longer... So you do what you have to do. 

You line up for the bathroom behind all the pairs going in there not to poop. You wait. Then you arrive.

The toilet’s a disaster scene; toilet paper on the floor, piss on the seat, piss on the floor. Stains on the bowl. A tampon here, a splash of mud there. Or is it mud?

The place stinks.

But you have no choice.

You try to wipe down the seat. Maybe you add an extra layer of protection as well, if it’s really gnarly. You hold your breath. The room spins, but it’s not a fun spin now. As you sit down people already start banging on the door. Then you realise – oh fuck! The lock’s broken - just as they open the door and barge in while your pants are around your ankles and you’re half squatting above the bowl.

“It’s occupied!” you yell, holding back tears from the smell, as the people who were trying to come in start apologising while simultaneously gagging at the smell of what you’ve just unleashed. 

You finish off, trying to hold the door closed with your spare hand. Things are shaky, but you get it done... But as you get up, you go to put your clothes on and feel that your pants are wet. You look down and realise they were resting on the floor. Great. Now you’re wearing pants splotched with someone elses pee the rest of the night.

But whatever, you're wasted. It had to be done.

You hit flush, take a key bump while you’re at it, and go dance away the pain.

That’s the apocalypse shit. Glorious pain.


… and that concludes our guide to the art of the come-up shit. Got other one’s you’d like to submit? Leave them in the comments.

I leave you with a quote from the Book of Boozelations; volume 69, chapter 3 (author unknown):

"In life they who doth want to get fuckdeth must inevitably accept unto themselves that they will face grave shits in the face of alcohol and substance abuse"

War is war.








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