A big sesh does not need a big wallet. Take it from us. We’ve been there. We’ve done things. We know ways to get drunk that’d make Bukowski blush. Don’t tell our lawyers though cause actually we never did any of these things and this post is not from experience. Definitely not. We would never. Also, let’s be honest here... these are, for the most part, tips for men. For obvious reasons. There are simple, easily accessible, and let’s face it expected ways to acquire free drinks as a lady, and goddamnit I don't blame you for using them. I sure would.
But anyway, I digress. Here are five strategies to implement on a night out if your wallet is hurting but so are your un-used party feet.
1. The cheap and heavy pregame
Duh! Get a friend, and get the cheapest value drinks you can for home, and pregame your ass off. Let’s face it: you’re going to get a box of cheap wine, and you’re going to chug that. You need to get a load on so you can ride that and spend less when out. And before you go out make sure you do your basic prep…
2. The basic prep
Your basic prep is flasks. Buy some cheap hard liquor, fill a flask or two each, and leave the rest of the bottle at home. The flasks can be used at any point in the night, but first, perhaps you’ll consider a bit of light thievery from the rich just for fun purposes...
3. The Robin Hood
Look. This one’s just straight up stealing. KIND OF. It’s like, Robin Hood stealing and you can justify it to yaself ya know!? You don’t have to feel bad about it, you’re not really hurting anyone in any evil way, that sorta thing… So… what you’re gonna do is go to a a fancy, expensive bar probably full of douchebags trying to show off how expensive their clothes, watches, and cocktails are. You know the ones. Probably lots of glass everywhere. Maybe on a rooftop. Maybe in some ballroom looking thing. Rich people everywhere. Make sure it's one where there's a dancefloor and people do like getting a bit loose though so they'll be distracted. Picturing the one in your area? Good. Put on some nicer clothes, go there, blend in. Then chug their drinks when they’re at a different table or on the dance floor or just plain ol’ not looking. Simple. Effective. Genius level stuff really. They never care they’ll just buy another or think someone on staff cleaned it up. Drink the ones that are half-drunk already. Clean up the leftovers. Easy mode…. Unless you get caught, in which case you’re clearly targeting the wrong sorts of drinks. Walk by abandoned tables and just chug the almost-drunk ones, that’s the safest move.
4. The bartender
This is the implementation of your flask. Either buy a single drink, or just a non-alcoholic drink, and each time you’re in the bathroom top that sucker up with some booze from your flask. Easy peasy. Or worst case, just smash free waters from the bar if you want something in your hand, and pound a shot or three of flask each bathroom trip. Bar doesn’t have free water? Yeaaaaa sucked in I guess.
5. The incognito
This one’s a little tougher but can be pulled off. Well, way tougher. Expert level game really. We have pulled it off ourselves though. What you’re going to want to do is try to get into some random blokes bottle service and what you’re probably gonna need to get in there are convincing alter-egos. One move: catch them on their way to the bathroom and shadow them so you go at the same time…. If you can hear anything they’re saying, try to latch on to something and copy it back to them; i.e. if you overhear one of them being called their name, pretend that’s your name too and say what are the chances or whatever, or if you hear an accent put on that accent and become fellow countrymen. You get the drift. We were wearing matching sports jerseys with the same name on them, putting on Canadian accents and speaking about how we were ex-ball players and our old mate from college had just got drafted to the NBA (we were in his old jerseys). We had decided his name was Tyrone. We happened to meet a guy called Tyrone who invited us to his table, whereupon we drank copious amounts of the Jack Daniels on his table (who orders JD bottle service!?) until unfortunately a new friend of his came, and it just so happened to be a person Dave Rick Johnson (head of BoozeGames PR) had peed on in a drunken incident in high school. The jig was up and we ran outta there... but the point is we got tons of free booze.
And that's the rub. There's some game for you. Between the five of those options, if you’re using money as an excuse for staying in, you just suck. Get on your fake personality, strap on your big boy nutsack, and go risk face herpes by drinking some rich dudes leftovers.
BoozeDaddy out.